Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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