Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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