Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
