I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.