Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
