First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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