Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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