I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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