Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
