in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
