Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
