Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
