They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
