there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
