1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
dude i'm inner monologue high
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Randomize
