u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
