You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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