you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
You ever have a fart follow you around?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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