at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
