I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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