i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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