alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
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