You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
