have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
