he shaved USA in his pubs
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Randomize
