I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
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I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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