god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
