Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
