Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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