Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
