True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
