So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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