I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Two words: blizzard sex
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Randomize
