I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
NoShamevember. You game?
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Randomize
