i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
