I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
