I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
