Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
