the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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