If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Walk of Shame today included voting.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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