i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
