You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
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ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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