Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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