His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
