I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
