the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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