my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
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My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
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Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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