I don't remember. Are we still dating?
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
