we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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