seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
