I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
You smell like stripper and shame
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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