Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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