I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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