It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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