I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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