Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Randomize
