we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
