All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
